...the same mistakes are we?
Here's some advice from Dr T. Ruth:
Dear Tim,
You can't love two people equally so lets get that straight right now.
I don't think the problem is choosing between two women: I think the problem is that you haven't really learned to take care of yourself fully yet in a grown up and adult fashion.
Here's what I mean. You are 28 years old and living with your brother.
You want to go back to Anne's house because she takes care of you. You don't have to bother setting up your own place because you so easily fit into hers.
In a sense, she is like a mother to you. She is soft, sweet, understanding, and puts up with you.
You also don't respect her quite as you should and think she is way too "soft." I think she represents the part of you that is childlike and needs to be taken care of. You imagine that you are taking care of her when actually she is taking care of you.
Ellen, on the other hand, is independent, passionate and self-sufficient. She also doesn't live near you so you don't have to really put this relationship to the test as of yet.
She represents another piece of yourself, the independent and sensual man. She attracts you greatly but you haven't been in the same place with her long enough to make a decision about her.
My belief is that when we are in a situation such as this, when we cannot choose between two people and feel "in love" with both, that we are not actually in love with either.
Both of these women satisfy a different need of yours.
Anne takes care of you, provides you with nice home, and makes you feel safe and nurtured.
Ellen is passionate and sexual which is the opposite side of the same coin.
I suggest that you may be deeply attracted to each of these women, but that you haven't evolved fully into your own life to actually make a decision as a mature adult.
Further, I haven't heard you say what you provide for either of these women. You seem way more focused on what they do for you.
In a mature adult relationship, we give and take equally. You are taking from both of these women, but what are you actually providing for either or both of them.
Here's my advice. Get your own life in working order before you make any decisions!
Move out of your brother's house and get your own place. Make sure your self-esteem is based on your own achievements and that you feel more fully evolved and centered whether that means working things out personally and/or professionally.
You don't mention your family background but my sense is that their may be some mother issue at play here.
You may think you are being good to these women, but, in reality, you are lying to both and misrepresenting your availability.
The bottom line is that we can't really and truly fall in love until we love and value ourselves. Other people cannot complete us or be used to fill up the empty spaces within ourselves.
I would work on my own life and feel more loving and complete within myself before putting pressure on myself to choose either of these ladies.
After you have grown a bit, you might be able to make a better decision, or, you might actually find someone completely different!
Good luck in your search, and please keep me posted as to your progress.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
In other news... Different Week ...is just about over.
Obviously some things never change so getting away tonight to "Release" is exactly what some of us need. See you in Kauai.
TOMORROW there will be a Honolulu Magazine party somewhere...different. At least for F&M. It's at Bar 35. You already know I'll be in the Olympic games but what you didn't know is that I'm joining my co-workers at the Flavors of Honolulu to celebrate another milestone for KUMU (first the Na Hokus now this! very exciting). Come enjoy it with us, I think I might be able to buy you a drink or two.
